Day 29 (metaphorically speaking...)

"Come on. Let's walk to the store."

They just stared at me.

If I had asked them if I could build a home out of fairy wings and unicorn tails I would have elicited the same response.

They simply stared, hoping that if they remained very still and made no sudden movements the crazy person harassing them would get bored and walk away.

No such luck.

"Come on. We just had that huge dinner. We'll walk it off. It will be fun."

"Ugh. Je-e-en. You go. We'll wait in the car."

"What?! No! I am in town visiting and we are spending time together! We are all walking to the store!"

I looked to my fiancee for back up.

My betrothed must have developed a very sudden and very keen interest in the ground because that was where his gaze was promptly fixed.

Did he not want to walk to the store either???

"People! What is wrong with you?!? Walking is great!"

"Can we just drive there?"

"No, we cannot drive there! That is ridiculous! Are we really having this conversation?!?"

"Ugh. Fine. You are so annoying."

I am annoying.

Often.

I admit that.

But this (one) time, I was not being annoying.

The store in question...the store that nobody would accompany me too...that store was not 10 miles away....

It was not 5 miles away....

It was not down the street...

That store...was ACROSS THE PARKING LOT!

We were going there to get ice cream.

Everyone wanted the ice cream.

No one wanted to walk the 30 feet to get it.

The human body is meant to move. It is meant to be decorated, celebrated, relished, adored. It is meant to do this:

Well, Tavi's body is meant to do that.

Tavi is in the circus.

But still...that...THAT....is what the human body can do***.

We move our bodies because it is a privilege to savor the magic and wonder of it's capabilities.

We move our bodies because they are on short loan and they are ours to luxuriate in only for this briefest of moments and we must gobble every second we can.

We move our bodies because the ice cream is located across the parking lot and if we want to stuff our faces with chocolate chip cookie dough for the rest of the night we pick our butts up and walk to go get it.

***That is why we workout.

Many apologies for the delay.

A Letter to My Blog

Dear My Blog,

I know.

You don't need to say a word.

That, "Well, look who finally decided to show up!" look says it all.

I know.

It's been to long.

Many apologies sweet Blog.

Many apologies.

Now what was I saying???

Something about working out....

Day 28

So, I gave you the easy tips and they are so easy that I am sure you are happily munching away on a piece of fruit as you read this. 

I'm sure you are only pausing for a moment before lacing up your workout sneakers, taking your empty soda bottles down to the recycling bin and going out for a light jog.

That's nice.

But maybe we should go over why  these are good things to do.

You know...

just for kicks.

Eat fruit in the morning.  But only in the morning.  And not with any other food.

The more raw food you eat the better you feel.  

By committing to eat fruit for breakfast you are guaranteeing that 1/3 of your diet will be all raw.  

How easy is that??? 

One meal out of your day and you are 1/3 closer to becoming a raw foodist. 

You didn't even have to start wearing recycled clothes or doing yoga. 

(yet...)

Ah, but here is the catch.  

And this is the less easy part.  

It is also the part where I can feel people politely nodding and silently ignoring everything I'm saying.

You need to eat the fruit BY ITSELF.

Don't put it in, on or around any other food.

Yogurt...no.

Cottage cheese...no.

Pizza...no.

Fruit is the fastest digesting food one can eat.  When you pair it with a slower digesting food the body will start to digest the more difficult food first.  It will leave the fruit just hanging out in your stomach...fermenting.  When food ferments it is basically just rotting in your stomach.  

That is what causes gas and bloating.  

You shouldn't eat any other food for at least one hour after you have fruit.  

Which leads me to my next point...

Eat your protein.  Eat your carbs.  Just don't eat them together.

One of the most underrated aspects of health is your digestion. 

If you are not properly digesting your food, then, even if you are eating "healthy" foods your body is not getting the benefits from those foods.  

Whatever your body can't digest it stores.  

And it is certainly not crazy enough to store that excess in your brain, liver, or heart since it thinks you are probably going to need those at some point.  

So where does it store the excess??? 

Well, on your butt, of course!  

Plenty of room to grow there!  

The butt itself doesn't care whether it is big or small. 

But I'm banking on the fact that you do care.

  

To say nothing of the fact that the stomach is the immune system. 

A litany of ailments big and small originate from poor digestive function.

It behooves all of us to support our digestion as best we can.

By taking care of our stomachs we can, literally and figuratively, save our butts.

Now I'll save us all the boredom of wading through the technical mumbo jumbo and just break it down like this:

When proteins (eggs, meats, fish) are eaten with carbs (breads, rice, pasta) your stomach secretes two different digestive enzymes necessary to digest those respective things.  Those enzymes render each other neutral and digest nothing leaving everything to rot in your belly.

I can feel your eyes glazing over.

Ok.

Let me try to explain it like this:

When you eat a turkey sandwich, the reason you feel full is because nothing is digesting.  

It is just sitting like a brick in your stomach rotting.

Maybe you're just going to have to trust me on this one.

Try it yourself.

Proteins with vegetables

or

Carbs with vegetables

but NO proteins and carbs together.

This one little change can cause a huge difference in your energy level and overall wellness.

As a side note...

Beans are the exception.

They can be eaten with anything.

Except fruit.

Wow.

That is a lot to digest.  

Pun very much intended.

That is enough for today.  

I'll cover the other easy tips tomorrow.

Enjoy your jog.

:)

Day 27

These are the easy tips.

The hard tips are for another day.

But since I am already warning you that these are the easy ones, you can unroll your eyes and stop whining: 

"Jee-en, we already know all this!"

If you already know it, then great.  Super for you.

Your jeans fit.

Your skin is aglow.

By all means, continue about your evening of snacking on raw vegetables and meditating.

For those of you (and by "you" I mean me) who, for the past couple of weeks, have been subsisting on a diet of beer and buttercream frosting....

Let's start with the easy tips.

I'm going to assume it is a given that we will be putting the frosting down.

1. Eat fruit in the morning.  But only in the morning.  And not with any other food.
2. Eat your protein.  Eat your carbs.  Just don't eat them together.
   
3. Workout.  Working out will not make you lose weight, but you can't lose weight without working out.
   
4. Stop drinking soda.  It is nothing but liquid confusion for your body.  And no, you can't have diet either.  And while you are at it, cool it with the beer.
   
5. Eat food.  
   

So simple....

So facile....

No need for a lengthy, dissertation about why you should do these things....

Oh, ok. 

You talked me into it.

I will bore you with why you should do these things tomorrow.

Day...uh, who can remember?

Did I say I would be back the 27th???

I meant the 11th.

Yep.  The 11th.

So...just to recap...this is a 30 day detox which is currently on its 49th day.  

Out of those 49 days I've actually followed the detox for about...

5 days.

This has not been what one would classify as a raging success.

I now admit (Erin) starting a detox over the holidays was not the best laid plan.

But, to be honest...

I don't think I like detoxes.

They kinda make me feel like an anorexic middle schooler.

So what to do, what to do?

Four days left on a detox that has long since outstayed its welcome.

I mean, we could just forget about this whole thing.

It is only four little days...

Darn it!

No! 

I promised 30 days and 30 days you shall get!

Let us begin as we started.  

Let us pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off and start all over again.

Let us haul ourselves across this finish line sweaty, sore and covered in gluten!

As Confucius said:

‘It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.’ 

Although, I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking about a detox.

Tomorrow:

5 super easy (well, kinda easy) tips to get you started eating healthy.

Time Out

Sorry, guys.  I have to take a blogging break.

I will still be sticking to (or, rather, trying to stick to) the program, 

but I'm not going to be near my computer for the next week.  

I'll be back Dec. 27th and I'll pick up where we left off then.

Until then, I hope everyone has a VERY Happy Holiday filled with love, laughter and fresh vegetables.

:)

Day 26

You've woken up covered in crumbs and cloaked in regret.

Now what???

What is your day after plan???

Eat vegetables and do cardio.

That's it.

Now let me tell you why.

When you overeat, you are essentially treating your body like an overworked, underpaid intern whom you slog all of your undesirable drudgery onto.

"Ummm, Sweetie, will you be a doll and do something with this?"

Your body agrees because it wants to please you, but it has no earthly clue what do with what you just handed it.  It doesn't recognize it and it doesn't know where it goes and the more of these indecipherable goopy doodads you pile into your body the more overwhelmed it gets and the more it begins to panic and the more it just tries to stash these goopy doodads anywhere it can fit them.

Namely on your butt.

So stop. 

Give it a rest.  

You had your fun and now it is your turn to pick up some of the slack.

You are going to want to make your body's digestion workload as light as possible to make up for overworking it the night before.

Eat vegetables.

And only vegetables.

All day.

Or for as long as you can stand it.

(If you get famished eat some brown rice or some beans.)

Your inner intern will be happy to see them.

Vegetables are the cleaning crew.  Then get in there and clear the gunk out.  

They, quite literally, get the goopy doodads out of your butt.

If you can juice your vegetables or eat a vegetable based soup, all the better.

And then get that butt moving.

Cardio detoxifies.

Cardio inspires.

Cardio can bring a house lump back from the brink.

Get moving.

Get sweating.

Put as much effort into the cardio as you put into the four slices of pizza.

But mostly, don't make yourself feel bad.

Just remember that your body works on the principle that what goes in must come out.

Too much in...you need to give it time to get it out.

It is important to be kind to your inner intern.

Give her proper rest and adequate breaks.

Because, as any good business person will tell you, you abuse an intern...

and that b*tch WILL get you back.

Day 25

I know I promised some tips to help get your butt firmly back on your wagon...

but Cynthia's post Twelve Keys to Life was so inspiring(!) I just had to share it.

I'll tell you to eat your vegetables and do some cardio tomorrow.

:)

Day 24

Lost our wagon years ago! About to do a cookie post to make your mission harder:) Sorry!

-Crispy Tarts

Darn you, you Crispy Tarts with your delectable blog filled with treats so scrumptious it makes even the most civil person want to lick their computer screen!

Or is that just me?

Ok, fine!

You can have your post where you make Ina Garten's Chocolate White Chocolate Chunk Cookie using (wimper) ONE AND A HALF POUNDS(!) OF WHITE CHOCOLATE.

That's just fine.

I will be here drinking my green juice and NOT licking my computer screen.

And for any of you reading...

ARE any of you still reading or have you just jumped directly to Danielle and Erin's blog???

Oh...I see how it is.

FINE.

Tell your wagon to go take a spin around the block.

Kick up your heels and cookie it up.

When the madness is over, know that I (and the juice) will still be here for you.

Tomorrow some tips to help get back in balance after veering off track.

Now wipes those crumbs off your face...

photo courtesy of the cookie temptresses over at Crispy Tarts

Day 23

“The doctor of the future will no longer treat the human frame with drugs, but rather will cure and prevent disease with nutrition.” 

-Thomas Edison…

Day 22

Has anyone seen my wagon???

I seem to have fallen off of it.

The score....

Holiday Cookie Madness: 1

Detox: 0

Stop your laughing, cookies.  

You may have gotten the best of me tonight, but you haven't heard the last from me.

Tomorrow you will meet your match.

Cookies say to hello to my little friend...

The Juicer.

Oh, yeah, it is ON!!!

Day 21

In the interest of full disclosure, I would like to state that the following smoothie is strange.

Even for me.

My impartial taste-tester made a scrunchy face and then declared it:

 "kind of chunky."

However, if you are looking for extra credit points on your road to wellness then this smoothie may be for you.

Strange Chunky Smoothie

1-2 Fuji apples

2 cups spinach

juice of 1 lemon

1 cup purified water

blend everything in a blender on high

I got the idea because I wanted Natalia Rose's Green Lemonade but didn't have the spare week and a half it takes to clean the juicer.

So I said to myself, "Self, wouldn't putting all of the same ingredients in a blender taste pretty much the same?"

The answer to that is: 

No. 

No, it would not.

It was chunky.

Not necessarily bad...

Just chunky.

But that might have been my fault.  

I added 1 tablespoon of chia seeds at the end.  Chia seeds have a tendency to thicken things.  In many recipes that effect is quite delightful.  

In this case it turned my smoothie into applesauce.

But chunky or not, this un-smoothie made for a healthy, inexpensive breakfast which, due to its high fiber content, kept me full for hours.

Just needed a spoon to finish it.

Day 20

"Habits are at first cobwebs, then cables."

-Spanish Proverb

Last 10 days....

I am in need of a little motivation.

Check out this post on Zen Habits where Leo Babauta explains 20 ways he stays motivated.  

Day 19

It is not normal to stand in Target staring at an espresso maker, on sale for $35.99, for a full 10 minutes daydreaming about how exquisitely chic and charming one's life would be if only one owned this espresso maker...on sale for $35.99.

It is not normal to walk away from said espresso maker, only to walk back a few minutes later just to...you know...see it one more time before you leave the store.

It is not normal to try and convince oneself of the idea that maybe espresso doesn't "count" as the coffee one had given up earlier in the week since espresso is served in tini-tiny cups.

At this time I would like to formally apologize to anyone who I casually told to quit anything, i.e. cigarettes, gluten, dairy, etc.

I would especially like to apologize to my mother to whom I said with such willful ignorance, "Well, you should just give up coffee, then."

"just."

Hah.

Last post about coffee.

Seriously.

Day 18

"I just don't think I could eat like this for the rest of my life."

"Why?  Are you hungry?"

"Well, you know, I just crave certain things and I can't imagine giving them up."

"Like what?"

"Well, like, my Mom's chocolate mousse pie..."

"Traci, no one is telling you you have to give that up.  That's something for a special occasion.  You're not eating that for breakfast are you?"

"No..."

No one should have to give up their Mom's chocolate mousse pie.  

But no one should be eating it everyday.

Healthy eating isn't about finding some perfect plan or magic answer that you must blindly follow for the rest of your life.  

Eating is a celebration of life.

It is a supreme pleasure, a great joy, a blessing.

It shouldn't feel like doing your homework.

Even though it is doing your homework.

Food is the prep work you do for your body so that, in turn, your body can do for you.

It just doesn't need to feel that way.

As Michael Pollan says in his must read book In Defense of Food:

"Eat Food.  Not too much.  Mostly Plants."

That is it.

That is the entire recipe for healthy eating.

The trick is in the "eating food" part.

As hard as it is to accept, chocolate mousse pie is not food.  A "nutrition bar" is not food.  A lot of the bread we eat is not food.

Food looks like food.  

It is not something that has been morphed, squeezed and rendered into a food like facsimile.

It is an apple.

It is a potato.

it is a nut.

And when you eat food 80% of the time your body is strong enough to handle the other 20%. It knows what to do when you just have to eat a high fructose, orange flavored, squishy-goopy doodad.  It can recover.

Your body is not something to be muscled into submission.   You can't just feed it whatever you want and expect it to function the way it's supposed to.  That is like going out to your car and pouring diet coke in the gas tank and expecting it to run.  There are rules as to what makes a car go and you can't change the rules just because diet coke was all you had in the house.

Your relationship with your body is a give and take.   The more you give to your body, treat it well, listen to its needs, the more it has to give back to you.  It will give you the vibrancy to truly feast on all of the best of what life has to offer.

Chocolate mousse included.

Day 17

"If you don't want to do something, don't do it.  If you REALLY don't want to do it, do it twice."

-my yoga teacher

I REALLY don't want to clean my apartment.

So, I'm going to do it twice.

Metaphorically speaking.

I'm going to clean with gusto.

I'm going to clean with verve.

I'm going to clean with all green cleaning products.

Check out Kristen's list of ideas for cleaning green.

My favorite trick is baking soda and white vinegar.

It cheap:

A whole vat of vinegar is about $1, same for baking soda.

It is easy:

Sprinkle baking soda all over the affected area.  

Pour white vinegar on top.

Scrub.

It is fun (relatively speaking):

When you pour the vinegar on top, the baking soda bubbles over and makes a whooshing sound.

Does bleach do that?

I don't think so.

As for store brand green cleaners, I really like the Method brand and Seventh Generation.

Both are sold at Target and Whole Foods.

photo courtesy of Kristen's Raw

Day 16

This is my last post about coffee.
Really.
Just wanted to state, with very cautious optimism, that I think I feel...good (knock on wood).
I've gotten off the couch.
My brain function, such as it was, is returning.
I feel weirdly calm and think I might be sleeping better.

Huh.

Who would've thunk it?

Now about my green tea/ truffle addiction...

The truffle one is over (I just finished my last one), but as far as truffles go these were incredible!!!  (Thanks, Charli!)  The name of the brand is 

Coco-Zen. They use only organic and fair trade chocolate in all of their products. 

And no they are not allowed in the detox, but I quit coffee so I don't care.

The green tea I've been drinking is Yogi Green Tea Super Anitoxidant. It's been my favorite for a while.  It's the only green tea I've found that doesn't have a snarky aftertaste.  

It's the next best thing to a steaming cup of joe.  

Oh, joe.  

I miss you so.

Day 15

Life without coffee...Day 3.
I've been drinking green tea like it's methadone.

Mark Hyman, M.D. writes about quitting coffee in his book 

Ultra-Metabolism.
Here are some tips for anyone else who wants to join me in my quest.
Anyone?
Hello?

Eh...I can't even come up with a convincing reason why you should.

I'm sure I had a good reason for quitting coffee, but so far its only turned me into a robe covered house lump.
Who likes green tea...
And chocolate truffles.
Don't judge me.

How to Eliminate Caffeine in 7 days

by Mark Hyman, M.D.

• 1. Begin on a weekend, when you can take naps as needed.
  
• 2. First three days: Cut down to one half your normal amount of coffee, cola, black tea, or other caffeinated beverage intake.
  
• 3. Next four days: Drink 1 cup caffeinated green tea steeped in boiling water for five minutes. You may continue green tea for all its wonderful health benefits.
  
• 4. All seven days: Take 1,000 to 2,000 milligrams of buffered vitamin C powder.
  
• 5. Drink at least six to eight glasses of filtered water a day.
  

Day 12-14

Hmmm, what's that you ask? Where have I been?

Well, I have been quitting coffee.

"Why?!?!" you ask....

Well, I seem to remember, after suffering through an eight hour mind crushing migraine, a  2am promise, presumably made by me, that if I made it through the night I would quit coffee.

And so I did.

But apparently every thought I've had for the past ten years has been powered by coffee.

The only thoughts that I seem to have organically are:

"Robe."

"Bed."

"Pillow."

I couldn't write a blog!  I couldn't put on shoes!

I truly don't understand why there is not a picturesque, beachfront clinic you can check into while quitting coffee.  

People should cook for you.  And massage you with scented oils.  And tell you everything is going to be okay.

No one should be expected to function in polite society while quitting coffee.  But they are, and so here I sit, sipping my hot water with lemon, "ready" to start my day.

Ugh.

Robe.

Bed. 

Pillow.

please.